"God will never give us something we can't handle" DeecyChick
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I know in my previous entries, I've referred him as Baby, but now I'm just not sure. Looking back, now I think it sounds a bit cheesy referring him that. I don't think he's ever called me Baby. So I will give him a new name. Hmm, I was thinking of his initial, but I'll take a pass on that because it's going to be obvious. Well, it's not like he knows that I keep a blog, and I still remain anonymous in this blog. But one should not be too careless, this is my one and only channel to express my own feeling. If I keep a blog on MySpace or Facebook, people are going to ask tons of questions and answering everyone's queries is the last thing I want to do.
Ok, I have side-tracked. I think I'll just refer him as Smiley. I got to admit that he can charm me with his smile. He can easily sweep my feet off the ground just by smiling. I guess that's why he's also a lady's man among the girls.
It's unbelievable that we were together for a year plus. If I would put a word to describe the whole experience, I'll just say 'watery' or 'teary'. There's no cheating involved but let's just say that we both no doubt have worked so hard to keep things together.
Unfortunately (I guess people see this coming, and myself, too), things didn't work out despite us working so hard on it. All the phone calls, hugs and kisses to ensure both of us are on the same page, are in vain. But I always think, if things are meat to be, there's no need to work so hard on it. Things will always fall on its place when they are meant to be. Well, it's proven to me.
Thank God we've never made any promises to each other. This break up thing is a whole lot more easily without any prior promises. But I have a little secret, I've thought and actually dreamed of him proposing to me! I guess it's not a secret anymore. I can still remember the dream so vividly, and it actually puts a smile on my face whenever I think about it. It was so scary and sweet. Such complicated feelings but yet so memorable.
Well, I have that prefect dream so why ruin it? Maybe we won't be that happy if we are to get married, perhaps we'll always fight about bills and other stuff. So I just want to keep this dream in perfection. At least, I still can imagine it a bit and be happy about it.
Gosh, just wish that I don't miss him so badly in the following days and even now. All I can do is just praying that things will get better soon, regardless of us being together or not.
I guess I am feeling a little unhappy now. But I know positive thinking takes time to make it a habit. I was planning to write something negetive but I don't think so. They'll make me even more upset.
I think I'll write something else to clear off my messy mind now. I'll start with what I did today.
Since it's a holiday today, my relatives and my family made plan to visit some temple. I actually like the idea. I'm not a religious person but I believe in my own God. He gives me strength when I'm in need of some. And I believe all the obstacles I face, are challenges from up above to make me a stronger person.
And people say having a certain religion is good. If a person can't have some spiritual guidance when they are in confusion, he/she can be easily taken advantage of because they are vulnerable inside out. That's read reports about how con men cheat some old ladies' money or how some girls believed that alternative way like trance session can get rid of the devil harassing them or bad luck.
If all these while, they are emotionally stable and believe in God, they'll not buy the bullshit story by the con men. They'll believe that God will eventually sort things out and lead them into a brighter path. Soon, they can even say "Look, I don't need your help. I'm sure God will help me in solving this problem,' to the con men!
Ok, I think I have side tracked to another topic. So, we all went to the temple and did the normal praying stuff. And I got a really nice piece of advice from the praying session, it says after all my hard work, I'll get some reward out of it. It is mainly referring to my studies. It's a good news because right now I am actually struggling to complete my thesis. This is my final year and I really want to do my best in it.
That's the good news of the day so far. I am sure my day will get better later on. It's on 2pm now, still have a long day to go to get nice surprises from up above.
Something I read yesterday made me realized that I was being so pessimistic most of my time. It made me missed the old me. The girl who was passionate about love yet was so naive at that time. But being naive has is good sometimes, it makes you dare to dream of the impossible. It makes you dream of something normal people wouldn't dream of. Most importantly, it gives you hope.
But eventually after getting hurt so many times, my side of naiveness has toned down a lot. Unfortunately, it has toned down my optimism too. I didn't dare to dream big and always see black as the only color found on earth. I always think of the worst so that I would have a back up plan. I guess that's where I bred my pessimism unconsciously.
However, we all know that all things in this world is made up of more than the seven colors so I shouldn't find any excuses of seeing the world in black color only. It's just not right.
Anyway, back to the article I read. I know I should buckle up myself and be a more positive person. Of course, I guess once in a while, I'll still use this space to channel out my negetive thoughts before focusing on the positive ones.
Thank God once again for teaching me that everything happened for a reason and I will learn every lesson behind them. There's simply nothing that I can not handle in this world.
Bring it on!
Happy news of the day:
1. I received a letter from my penpal (yes, we actually prefer writing like our forefathers did despite with the technologies like phone and internet.
2. Mum was concerned about my dinner and she even heated up the meals for me.
3. There'll be a Halloween BBQ Party tomorrow and I can't wait for it.
4. I am glad that I am feeling well today even though I was feeling a bit emotionally unwell.
I hate myself for behaving like that and I know exactly what makes me bahaving like that. I have a few issues to settle before I continue the relationship. And since I know the issues are about me, I feel that I shouldn't drag him along in my moody mood. At some point, I really didn't feel like seeing him or talking to him anymore. So I keep my silence whenever he asks what's bothering me.
But sooner or later, I feel like losing Baby as my best friend. I used to share my problems with him and finally I broke down and told him my problems.
The main issue that I have to deal with myself is that I can't seem to forget about the time he used to share with his ex. I know she's still in love with him and still keeps constant touch with him. Once, I saw her MSN him and the moment I turned my eyes on the monitor, he minimized the screen. When I finally asked him about it, he just told me that she was just telling him a lot of stuff and her own personal problems to him. I asked him about what's her problems? Then he refused to tell me. He just brushed me off by saying she told him a lot of stuff and he coudn't remember. Even then I was crying and keep asking, he just refused to tell me. What did that mean?
Imagine how I felt that moment. Someone you love refusing to be honest with you. I really don't know if I can trust him anymore. Maybe I am still worried that they might get back together but if they really meant to be and as long as Baby is happy, I really don't care who he ends up if. But I really have no idea why am I behaving in a ridiculous matter. I feel like I want to control him. I feel like I want to know who he is really going out with when he says he's meeting friends. And everytime he sms someone, my thought will automatically think if he's sms-ing her because she's telling him her problems again.
I told Baby about all this and he looked really sad because I am upset about all this. He keeps asking about what I want him to do and what he can do to make me feel better. I feel like telling him to cut all the string with his ex, but this is a really selfish thought. And I know this is the exact issue I need to deal with and no one can help me about it. At the end, I didn't tell him that and told him that there's nothing much he can do for me.
I think I am really going out of my mind thinking about all this. A few times, I feel like aksing a break from him but I really can't stand a day without seeing or hearing his voice. But the thought about him keeping in touch with his ex is really torturing me.
Although he has assured me that she hardly keeps in touch with him anymore, but it doesn't seem convincing enough. Most of his own friends are pretty close to his ex. So whenever, there's a gathering with them , I am pretty sure she will be there too.
Maybe this is karma working its way on me. After all, I was the boyfriend snatcher. I really missed the old time where I shared all my problems with him and didn't think of possessing him as my own. I really feel like losing him as my best friend. And my other friends too because sometimes I choose to spend some time with him alone and friends do feel that I do not spend much time with them. I am really stuck in the middle, trying to find a balance between Baby and my friends.
God, please give me strength to get through this. I can handle all these and solve my issues, can I?
And I really hate myself now.
Even though it hurts me so that you think I do not love you enough or miss you enough. Only God knows how much I love and miss you. I love you and miss you more than anyone in this world. But too bad you'll never ever know.
I am sorry that you'll never know the truth because we will not have a future together. We say this before, all that we share now is a no string attached relatinship. Anyone of us can end it anytime without requiring any further explanation.
But each day, I fall in love with you more than I did yesterday. Each day I keep convincing myself not to love you too much so that I won't hurt so much at the end. I don't know how long else I can keep lying to my inner self that I do not love you and that I can't get too closed.
It's always easy to lie to others but it's hard to lie to my heart. How do I know? Because my heart aches each time I say I don't love you. I don't need a lie detector here. My heart is the best lie detector and the aches are the answers.
Sorry but this is the another letter to you which you'll never get to read.
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