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So I have been trying very hard to be a positive person. It is difficult. There are times I feel that there's nothing in this world would upset me, but there are times even the change of weather would upset me.

I guess I am feeling a little unhappy now. But I know positive thinking takes time to make it a habit. I was planning to write something negetive but I don't think so. They'll make me even more upset.

I think I'll write something else to clear off my messy mind now. I'll start with what I did today.

Since it's a holiday today, my relatives and my family made plan to visit some temple. I actually like the idea. I'm not a religious person but I believe in my own God. He gives me strength when I'm in need of some. And I believe all the obstacles I face, are challenges from up above to make me a stronger person.

And people say having a certain religion is good. If a person can't have some spiritual guidance when they are in confusion, he/she can be easily taken advantage of because they are vulnerable inside out. That's read reports about how con men cheat some old ladies' money or how some girls believed that alternative way like trance session can get rid of the devil harassing them or bad luck.

If all these while, they are emotionally stable and believe in God, they'll not buy the bullshit story by the con men. They'll believe that God will eventually sort things out and lead them into a brighter path. Soon, they can even say "Look, I don't need your help. I'm sure God will help me in solving this problem,' to the con men!

Ok, I think I have side tracked to another topic. So, we all went to the temple and did the normal praying stuff. And I got a really nice piece of advice from the praying session, it says after all my hard work, I'll get some reward out of it. It is mainly referring to my studies. It's a good news because right now I am actually struggling to complete my thesis. This is my final year and I really want to do my best in it.

That's the good news of the day so far. I am sure my day will get better later on. It's on 2pm now, still have a long day to go to get nice surprises from up above.

Hehe :)

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So I realized almost all the entries on my blog are really about how upset I was feeling that moment. It's as if feeling upset wasn't enough and I went all the way, focusing on them and writing them out. It was as though I put a magnifiying glass on my wound and studied how I hurt from inside out. Then I realized, what a waste of emotion!

Something I read yesterday made me realized that I was being so pessimistic most of my time. It made me missed the old me. The girl who was passionate about love yet was so naive at that time. But being naive has is good sometimes, it makes you dare to dream of the impossible. It makes you dream of something normal people wouldn't dream of. Most importantly, it gives you hope.

But eventually after getting hurt so many times, my side of naiveness has toned down a lot. Unfortunately, it has toned down my optimism too. I didn't dare to dream big and always see black as the only color found on earth. I always think of the worst so that I would have a back up plan. I guess that's where I bred my pessimism unconsciously.

However, we all know that all things in this world is made up of more than the seven colors so I shouldn't find any excuses of seeing the world in black color only. It's just not right.

Anyway, back to the article I read. I know I should buckle up myself and be a more positive person. Of course, I guess once in a while, I'll still use this space to channel out my negetive thoughts before focusing on the positive ones.

Thank God once again for teaching me that everything happened for a reason and I will learn every lesson behind them. There's simply nothing that I can not handle in this world.

Bring it on!

Happy news of the day:

1. I received a letter from my penpal (yes, we actually prefer writing like our forefathers did despite with the technologies like phone and internet.

2. Mum was concerned about my dinner and she even heated up the meals for me.

3. There'll be a Halloween BBQ Party tomorrow and I can't wait for it.

4. I am glad that I am feeling well today even though I was feeling a bit emotionally unwell.

XoXoXo

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I have been so unhappy these few weeks. I have been analyzing a lot about the relationship I have with Baby. Because of this, I have been acting like a baby and a bitch to Baby. I have been throwing tantrums at him a numerous times but some how he just took them all and tried his best to make me happy.

I hate myself for behaving like that and I know exactly what makes me bahaving like that. I have a few issues to settle before I continue the relationship. And since I know the issues are about me, I feel that I shouldn't drag him along in my moody mood. At some point, I really didn't feel like seeing him or talking to him anymore. So I keep my silence whenever he asks what's bothering me.

But sooner or later, I feel like losing Baby as my best friend. I used to share my problems with him and finally I broke down and told him my problems.

The main issue that I have to deal with myself is that I can't seem to forget about the time he used to share with his ex. I know she's still in love with him and still keeps constant touch with him. Once, I saw her MSN him and the moment I turned my eyes on the monitor, he minimized the screen. When I finally asked him about it, he just told me that she was just telling him a lot of stuff and her own personal problems to him. I asked him about what's her problems? Then he refused to tell me. He just brushed me off by saying she told him a lot of stuff and he coudn't remember. Even then I was crying and keep asking, he just refused to tell me. What did that mean?

Imagine how I felt that moment. Someone you love refusing to be honest with you. I really don't know if I can trust him anymore. Maybe I am still worried that they might get back together but if they really meant to be and as long as Baby is happy, I really don't care who he ends up if. But I really have no idea why am I behaving in a ridiculous matter. I feel like I want to control him. I feel like I want to know who he is really going out with when he says he's meeting friends. And everytime he sms someone, my thought will automatically think if he's sms-ing her because she's telling him her problems again.

I told Baby about all this and he looked really sad because I am upset about all this. He keeps asking about what I want him to do and what he can do to make me feel better. I feel like telling him to cut all the string with his ex, but this is a really selfish thought. And I know this is the exact issue I need to deal with and no one can help me about it. At the end, I didn't tell him that and told him that there's nothing much he can do for me.

I think I am really going out of my mind thinking about all this. A few times, I feel like aksing a break from him but I really can't stand a day without seeing or hearing his voice. But the thought about him keeping in touch with his ex is really torturing me.

Although he has assured me that she hardly keeps in touch with him anymore, but it doesn't seem convincing enough. Most of his own friends are pretty close to his ex. So whenever, there's a gathering with them , I am pretty sure she will be there too.

Maybe this is karma working its way on me. After all, I was the boyfriend snatcher. I really missed the old time where I shared all my problems with him and didn't think of possessing him as my own. I really feel like losing him as my best friend. And my other friends too because sometimes I choose to spend some time with him alone and friends do feel that I do not spend much time with them. I am really stuck in the middle, trying to find a balance between Baby and my friends.

God, please give me strength to get through this. I can handle all these and solve my issues, can I?

And I really hate myself now.

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Dearest Baby,

Even though it hurts me so that you think I do not love you enough or miss you enough. Only God knows how much I love and miss you. I love you and miss you more than anyone in this world. But too bad you'll never ever know.

I am sorry that you'll never know the truth because we will not have a future together. We say this before, all that we share now is a no string attached relatinship. Anyone of us can end it anytime without requiring any further explanation.

But each day, I fall in love with you more than I did yesterday. Each day I keep convincing myself not to love you too much so that I won't hurt so much at the end. I don't know how long else I can keep lying to my inner self that I do not love you and that I can't get too closed.

It's always easy to lie to others but it's hard to lie to my heart. How do I know? Because my heart aches each time I say I don't love you. I don't need a lie detector here. My heart is the best lie detector and the aches are the answers.

Sorry but this is the another letter to you which you'll never get to read.

Love always,
Deecy

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Endless Love by Alfred Gockel

I haven’t blog for quite sometime. All these assignments and presentations are killing me right now. I am glad that this current semester is going to end soon.

As usual, I have been spending a lot of time with Baby. I think I’m beginning to feel that I am clinging too much on him. I feel totally lost and completely lonely if I don’t get to see him for a day. I know it’s a bad sign. I guess I really have to divide my time among my family, friends and Baby.

As days gone by, I realize that my feelings towards him have gone deeper and deeper. Many times, when he’s sleeping next to me, I find myself starring deep in his face like he has the most fascinating face that amazed me completely.

And many of times, he will ask me to stop starring at him because he says there’s nothing special about it. Then he will take his pillow or his hand to cover his face. He can be act like a little boy at times. But I continue to do so to annoy him.
But he does not know the real reason why I stare at him. It’s because I am afraid. I am very afraid. I am very afraid that I might not get the chance to do so anymore. I am very afraid that one day I no longer see him. I am very afraid one day we will not be together anymore. I am very afraid one day he loves someone else.

Once I told him the reason why I like starring at him. I told him the real reasons and he asked why. I said I didn’t know why. But he refused to believe that. Maybe I just not ready to tell him that because I’m afraid of losing him. But in my heart, the line ‘because I’m afraid of losing you’ was playing a zillion times but I was having problem telling him that. I was almost in tears that time because the thought of not seeing him anymore. I was afraid I might burst out crying in front of him if I continued telling him.

I was so glad that I didn’t cry that time. I didn’t want him to see me cry ever again. I didn’t want him to think that I was such a crying baby and emotional person. But anyway, I guess I picked the wrong timing to tell him about it because he was quite tired and sleepy after a long night. He didn’t recall anything about it after he woke up. He remembered I said something but didn’t remember what it was about. Guys can be such a pig at times.

Looking from the bright side, I guess the fear of losing him actually makes me not to take him for granted. I appreciate every moment I spent with him. At least if something unpredictable happens in the future, I still remember all the things we did together, all the things he did for me and all the things I did for him.
I don’t know if all these are normal, but I know I’m head over heels with him.

Note to self: I made a promise to myself which is I only plan for today or next week and I won’t think about what’ll happen I a month, in a year or in a decade. Hopefully, I won’t think too much about the unpredictable.


- Get Your Own

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